Why we stay: What toxic relationships feel like

Why do we stay in toxic relationships?

Is this the right question to ask?

Probably not.

We stay for the same reasons anyone stays - love, belonging, familiarity.

Why don’t you leave?

Because after all these years, memories, battles, fought for or against each other, how could it all be for nothing?

A life’s work, all gone.

We’ve all felt this, in relationships or elsewhere. That when you’ve invested this much time, energy, money, blood, sweat and tears, eventually it simply must pay dividends. One last hurdle and it will be love, happiness, forever.

“Why can’t it just be...Why can’t I make the good times last? Why can’t they treat me like they did yesterday, all the time? Why do the next six weeks have to be hell? I just got to wait it out. Their mood will change back.”

What does love do to us?

Or perhaps the more pertinent question is - what does lack of love do to us?

It feels like hunger.

Magnify that a hundred times for starvation.

Magnify that by one thousand days.

Ten thousand days.

Ten thousand days of living in a cage, where you’re tossed a bitof food once in a while, just enough to keep you alive.

When you ask for more, you’re met with, “Well if you weren’t so lazy/stupid/ugly maybe I’d give you more. But nothing’s ever enough, is it? Maybe if you didn’t make me so mad you’d deserve it. But you don’t. Look at how ungrateful you are.”

This, repeated, ten thousand times.

But every so often, you’re treated to a full day’s feast. You never know when. It’s not a predictable schedule.

In a way you feel you’ve earned it. Your patience, learning not to say the wrong thing, doing what they ask, no matter how exhausted you feel.

So you feast and feast and you feel full, so full you’re going to burst. This feast might last a day, maybe even a few days.

But then, without warning, it’s cleared away. Suddenly you’re back to scraps, maybe not even once a day.

But your body doesn’t give out. Because it’s gotten used to the feast/famine cycle. It’s gotten used to using whatever was stored from the last feast to keep you going for as long as it can.

And maybe some days, it will feel like I can’t take this anymore. So you go to the door of the cage, only to find it was never locked. You open it. You take a step out. You might even walk a hundred feet outside. Freedom.

Suddenly a voice calls out from behind you:

“Hey! Where you going, silly? I just prepared this giant feast for you! All for you. Because I love you so much. I’m crazy for you. Where are you going to go? It’s wild out there. You won’t survive. Think of all the good times we’ve had. Come on, food’s getting cold.”

You’re starving. You look around.

You’ve never fed yourself before.

What if you’re as lazy, stupid, and ugly as they said?

There’s no immediate food in sight. If you keep walking, you might find something. You might not. You look back at the feast being set up in the cage. Warm. Inviting.

What do you choose?

With love,
Vera

The nervous system doesn’t learn by thinking - it learns by practicing. If you’re exhausted from the constant pressure of holding yourself together, I’m here to support you. Book your consultation here.